Van Helsing returns again
by Unwanted film fan
Summary: Van Helsing receives a mysterious letter that tells him to return to Transylvania


Disclaimer: I do not own Van Helsing or any of the associated characters

Carl and Van Helsing had travelled back to Transylvania. They had received a note, which read: '_My love, I have returned for you. Meet me at Frankenstein's castle. I'll be waiting for you. A._'

"So remind me again why we came back to this miserable dump." Carl said, blowing on his frostbitten fingers.

"The note, Carl. Someone sent me a note." Van Helsing replied.

"I mean besides that."

"I like to punish you by dragging you into cold and dangerous places."

"I mean besides that."

"Shut up."

They walked up to the giant doors of the castle entrance.

"So how do we get in here then?" Van Helsing said.

"I have the key!" Carl exclaimed, taking it out of his pocket. "I told you that three times already."

"So you don't know then? Stand back…" said Van Helsing, lifting his pistol and taking aim.

"No! It'll ricochet off the door and kill us! MUMMY!" Carl cried, diving behind a strategically placed boulder.

Van Helsing fired three shots and the lock flew off the door. He opened it and looked back. "Well, what are you waiting for? Come on!"

"I want to go home." Carl said miserably.

They searched the bottom floor of the castle without finding anything.

"Where do you think this 'A' person is?" Van Helsing asked.

"At the top of the tallest tower." Carl replied.

"Why do you sound so sure of that?"

"If there's a woman here, especially if she's a princess, that's where she'll be."

"Why?"

"Why? Van Helsing, don't you read? Remember Sleeping Beauty? Rapunzel? Princess Fiona in Shrek?"

"What the hell is Shrek?"

"Just wait until we get to the 21st century. You'll see."

"What have you been taking?" Van Helsing looked at him strangely. "And how do you know all this?"

"I … I don't know…"

"Well if you're sure she's there…"

"Yes, I am."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place? We spent hours looking on this floor!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Now, what floor is this tower on?"

"The 24th."

"Great." Van Helsing said sarcastically. "Let's get climbing then."

"No thanks. I'd rather take the short cut." Carl said, pulling a book from the shelf behind him to open a secret doorway, which swung around to reveal a large metal box.

"What is that?" Van Helsing asked.

"It's called an elevator. It won't be invented for another few centuries, but the author can't be bothered to describe us climbing up all those stairs."

As the elevator began to ascend, a strange, torturous noise began to sound out.

"Carl, what is this noise? Are they trying to drive us insane?"

"No, it's just elevator music. It always sounds this bad."

They soon reached the 24th floor and got off. Van Helsing drew his crossbow and Carl stayed well behind him, clutching a crucifix. At one end was a bed, and on it, with her eyes closed, lay Anna Valerious.

"I thought you were dead!" Van Helsing exclaimed.

"No, you killed her, she was cremated, brought back to life by Dracula and then killed by you… again… but I don't know why she's here now…" Carl said.

"I came back for you. I never got the chance to tell you that I love you." Anna said.

"Yes, but how are you back here?" Van Helsing asked.

"Oh, it was nothing. The people who read the last fan fiction wanted a sequel, so here I am."

"Fan fiction?"

"Yes, I told you this last time, we're just characters in a film…" Carl chimed in.

There was an awkward silence.

"Let's just pretend you didn't say that, agreed?" Van Helsing said. "And am I the only one who's taking this seriously?"

"Yes, you are." Carl and Anna said together.

"So where were we?" Van Helsing said.

"You just found out I'm alive again." Anna said.

"Right. I love you too, Anna!"

Van Helsing rushed to Anna's side, embracing her and stroking her long hair. She slapped him and pushed him away.

"No, not you! It's Carl I love!"

"But the letter…" Van Helsing said.

"I sent it to Carl." Anna said.

"But I thought it was for Van Helsing! There was no name on it, and I'm not the lead character. I'm just a friar!" Carl said.

"Oh, but you're cute." Anna said, walking over and kissing him.

"NOOOOOOO!" A yell sounded from outside, echoed by Van Helsing's own cry.

"What was that?" Carl said.

A shadow approached the window and Dracula burst into the room, snatching Van Helsing's crossbow and throwing it out of the room before he could fire it.

"She is mine!" Dracula cried. "I will let no one take her!"

"I thought we killed you too!" Van Helsing said.

"You may have thought that, but THEY LIED!!" Dracula roared.

"Who lied?"

"The writers!"

"We just agreed to pretend we're real people!"

"And there's only one writer this time." Carl said.

"Oh really? I missed that. I was outside having my nails manicured so they were ready for my big entrance." Dracula said.

"Oh, they're amazing!" Anna said.

"Yes, you'll have to tell us who did them for you. Mine need doing again soon…" Carl sighed.

"People! Can we please get on with the story?" Van Helsing said.

"Sorry." The others said.

"Right. Let's get this over with." Van Helsing said, drawing out a giant inflatable hammer.

"What is it with you and those things?" Carl asked.

"I like them. They squeak when you hit things with them." Van Helsing said, hitting Carl over the head to demonstrate. "Ouch!" Carl complained.

"If I remember correctly, it was _you_ who brought up the topic of giant inflatable hammers last time, and besides, I came prepared. I dipped it in holy water."

Dracula laughed. "That hammer is no match for me! I am immune to holy water!"

"Well guess what? Remember the cure for the werewolf curse? It didn't work, and I can control my transformation!" Van Helsing roared, rapidly changing into a werewolf.

"Oh no, not again!" Dracula moaned, changing into his hell bat form.

"That's it. Both of you stop fighting!" Anna said. "Carl, back me up here."

"No thanks. I'd rather keep my head, thank you." Carl said, diving under the bed.

"Well thanks for the support, Carl. And you two! You're behaving like children. Now sort this out like civilised monsters or I'll slay the pair of you."

Van Helsing and Dracula gave each other a look, snarled and leapt at Anna, killing her instantly. Dracula then reached under the bed and pulled Carl out from underneath it. He screamed as Dracula closed in on his throat…

"Carl! Carl, wake up!"

"Oh, is it cheese time again?" Carl said sleepily. "Dracula!"

"It's just a dream, Carl. We have to get moving."

"Really? But it seemed so real…

"Come on, we're almost there."

"So remind me again why we came back to this miserable dump." Carl said.

"The note, Carl. Someone sent me a note." Van Helsing replied.

Carl paused. "Why have I suddenly got the strangest sense of déjà vu?"

"Really? How strange." Van Helsing grinned as he turned around, lips moving apart to reveal a set of sharp, deadly fangs.


End file.
